


Slipping on my new skin

by boleyn13



Series: Brother dear [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Brotherhood, Developing Relationship, Drama, Drugged Sex, Gaslighting, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Pseudo-Incest, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-09-07 18:21:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8811289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boleyn13/pseuds/boleyn13
Summary: The moment Tony met Loki Thor told him that his little brother wasn't relationship material. That doesn't stop Tony from falling for Loki even when it turns out that Thor was right. For completely different reasons than Tony would have expected.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everybody, 
> 
> This idea started in my head and needed to get out. I'm not a Thorki person, not at all. When I see them on screen I do see them as brothers who could never be romantically involved. The only scenario I can see is this and it's dark, twisted and it doesn't romantice the idea of having a sibiling lusting after you which is deeply disturbing. 
> 
> Don't worry, there is still a little bit of romance in there, but that's not the main theme
> 
> Tell me what you think :)

Tony met Thor first. Through Steve, naturally. First time seeing him had been weird. Mostly because it was hard to believe that there could be a guy who was even more packed than Steve. Tony didn’t want to imagine how people with a lower self-esteem had to feel standing right next to these two guys. That had to be enough to give a skinny kid with acne suicidal thoughts.

Thanks to Steve Tony was already used to huge, blonde guys with perfect teeth and impeccable abs. To average people Steve had to be a little bit more annoying, because he had that boy scout attitude, while Thor looked and talked like someone who spend his entire day on a surfboard.

“Thor, this is Tony. Tony, I’ve told you about Thor, right?”

“Yup… Thor, huh? Did your parents lose a bet or something?”

Tony almost squealed when Thor released his hand from his grip. Now that was a handshake. Laughing softly Thor shrugged. “It’s not that uncommon in Scandinavia.”

“Yeah, you’re blonde but not pale enough to be Swedish.”

“Norwegian, but we moved here when I was still a child, I don’t even speak the language.”

Yes, Thor knew how to make a good first impression, Tony instantly liked him. They didn’t become best friends, but Thor was now part of a group of people that Tony regularly hung out with. It was easy to admit that most nights out were more fun when Thor was with them. The big blonde was a fan of parties, loud and maybe a little bit excessive. After their first drinking game Tony almost ended up in a coma, because who the hell could jug that many beers without even swaying a little bit? Steve ended up driving both of them home, mumbling something about them being idiots and yes, Tony really liked Thor.

The six of them always sat at the same table in their favourite bar, meeting more or less every Friday, chatting about work, family, their love life, pretty much anything. Sometimes Tony thought that somebody would only have to put up a camera right in front of them and it would be the perfect material for a sit-com. Yeah, they were entertaining and funny.

-Clint and Natasha’s relationship that only a seasoned psychologist might be able to explain. Half of the time they were insulting each other and at each other’s throats or all over each other. Well, not exactly, Natasha hated every public display of affection and Clint… in Tony’s opinion he was totally turned on by women who could kick his ass.

Well, who wasn’t?

The first time Thor had seen Natasha, he had looked her up and down in the most obvious way, which had made Clint growl. Tony had wanted to tell him “Seriously, dude? He could crush your skull with one hand? Also, Natasha just needs one precise kick to the balls to bring him down.” Not that there was any need, one second later Thor complimented Clint on such a striking girlfriend and he told Natasha that he was sorry she was having such poor taste. Both of them had loved him instantly.

Bruce and Thor couldn’t be more different. Had they visited the same High School one of them would have been a nerd and the other one a jock. Glad that they weren’t in High School anymore, then although he was the definite alpha male and obsessed with sport, Thor thought it was cool that Bruce was one of the youngest professors to ever teach at Columbia University. It was then that they learned that Thor was working in his father’s company. Wall Street Business. Didn’t surprise Tony in the least, he had seen Thor’s clothes and smelled his aftershave. Money, money, all over the place.

Steve and Thor had met during a work-out in their mutual fitness studio, of course. How could it be any different? They were playing football together and Tony just knew that they were secretly having competitions who could do more push-ups.

One time Thor actually talked Tony into going on a run with him and it was surprisingly cool. Steve always grew frustrated with him so quickly, telling him he was doing something wrong or not taking it seriously enough. That wasn’t the case with Thor, he told Tony that a work-out was supposed to be fun.

Mind-blowing new information, Tony had never heard of that.

So that was how Thor entered Tony’s tiny circle of close friends, he wasn’t Rhodey or Steve, but Tony was going through his rough break-up with Pepper Thor came over with a six-pack, sat down with him and they watched bad television till Tony felt better.

It had to have happened around that time. Perhaps three or four months after Pepper, Tony knew that he had already had a one-night stand and that he had stopped constantly thinking about what he had done wrong. No, he had been feeling good.

“Guys, party at my place, Friday night. Everybody has to come, no excuses will be accepted.” Thor was beaming, all smiles as usual and everybody was instantly game.

The crowd at this party was like everybody could expect. Sports guys and lots of beautiful women, the whole place was packed, lots of liquor and good food. Exactly like Tony envisioned a good weekend.

“Tony? Have you any idea what Clint and Nat are doing?” Steve was subtly pointing at them, whispering into Tony’s ear. Yeah, he had noticed that too. The two of them were obviously checking out the crowd, talking to each other in low voices. Nodding, shaking their heads, then looking at somebody else. “I guess they’re looking for the right material for a threesome.”

Steve’s cheeks took on the colour of a Ferrari and he quickly turned away. “That’s nothing I want to know about…”

“Then why are you asking?”

“Geez… I didn’t know that… Damn…”

Tony was about to start torturing Steve with this little information for the next hours when somebody joined them, starting a new conversation.

That was how Tony met Loki.

Thor was holding a bottle of beer in one hand, the other one on the shoulder of the dark-haired man next to him. “About time that you meet my little brother. Steve, Tony, this is Loki.”

Steve instantly smiled and offered his hand. “Hey, nice to meet you.”

“Thor and Loki, huh? Damn, I can’t decide who your parents must hate more. You or your brother.”

Loki shrugged off Thor’s hand and grabbed Steve’s, all while keeping a stoic, almost grim expression on his face. “Not really his brother, I’m adopted.”

“Now that’s an odd thing to say. Hi, I’m Tony. How come we’ve never seen each other before?”

“I frequent another crowd than Thor. Will you excuse me?”

It was a bizarre first meeting and Loki obviously didn’t give a damn about getting to know them, because he instantly turned around disappeared among the other guests. “Uhm… he seems in a bad mood. Is he okay?” Typically Steve, he would start worrying first, before assuming that the other one was just an asshole. Thor made a dismissive gesture and sipped on his beer. “Nah, Loki just needs a little time till he warms up to new people. Don’t take it personally.”

Yeah, not the warmest introduction, that was right.

“You guys don’t have anything to drink. This is just wrong. Let me get you something.” So Tony ended up with a weird but tasty cocktail and talking with Steve about the positive effects of a three-way on your relationship, making the other one almost die from embarrassment. When Steve had finally managed to sneak away Tony took a look around, studying the people if there might be someone interesting and hot enough around to hook up with. While checking out the crowd Tony spotted a black shock of hair.

Thor’s brother was sitting on the couch, half talking to a guy, half checking out his phone. It was still absolutely weird to instantly point out that you were adopted, but Tony was pretty sure that he would have figured it out anyway. There was no physical resemblance whatsoever between those two. They were built in the most different way. Thor had these broad shoulders and was rather imposing, while Loki was lean, athletic. The body of a runner with a narrow waist and hips, but the tight cut of his t-shirt gave away that there was nothing soft or fragile beneath. Long legs in dark jeans. Pitch black hair that was pulled back in a ponytail. Tony was too far away to make out the colour of Loki’s eyes, but he had seen them when Thor had introduced them. Dark green.

No, Thor and him looked nothing alike. Loki seemed to have some rough edges about him and Tony had always liked slim, tall guys. Dark hair and piercing eyes were also a turn-on. Problem though – he was Thor’s little brother. That could only mean trouble. Didn’t mean that Tony couldn’t say ‘Hi’ now that the blonde guy was getting up, heading towards the bar.

Casually Tony walked over, dropping onto the couch, right next to Loki who looked up from his phone, one eyebrow raised. Perfectly green eyes, right.

“Hey, what is it like to be named after the god of mischief? I already know that Thor likes to bring on the thunder, what’s your thing? Causing the apocalypse?”

Loki blinked and took his time to answer, as if he was trying to decide what to think about Tony. “You know… I’m 27 years old. I have heard every joke possible about my name. It’s not half as smart or creative as you might think.”

“I’m just trying to break the ice. Without one of this weird jokes. You know ‘How much does a polar bear weigh?’ Enough to break the ice?”

Not even rolling his eyes, Loki just continued to type on his phone. Damn, a lack of interest had always excited Tony. “You also work in your father’s company? Like Thor?”

Did he hear right? Did Loki just huff? “That would surely bring about the apocalypse.”

“What? You’re not into Wall Street?”

“I’m not into anything related to my family. Including their friends.”

Well, Tony had never got rejected this quickly. Thor’s brother actually got up and walked away. That could have gone better. What a ray of sunshine and happiness.

That was the last of Loki that Tony saw for quite a while. Which didn’t mean Tony didn’t think once or twice of the rude but ridiculously handsome guy. Yes, they had only talked for about 30 seconds, but it didn’t happen often that Tony got interested after such a short moment. A week or so later Tony had Thor over to watch football and they were playing video games before the game was about to start.

“Your brother doesn’t live in town, right?”

Thor just blasted the head of a zombie and shook his head. “What? No, he lives in Manhattan. Why are you asking?”

“I just wondered why you didn’t introduce us earlier.”

“Well…” Thor groaned softly when Tony got the next zombie before him. “Loki has a history of not getting along with my friends.”

“Yeah, he mentioned something like that.” Tony grinned and another zombie was toast. “You guys don’t have any common friends?”

“Nah. Loki has the habit of either hating them or sleeping with them.”

That was bad, because the next zombie got Tony instantly killed. Not that he cared much at the moment. “What? Really? Those are two extremes…”

Sighing softly Thor put the controller away. “Look, I love my brother and he can do whatever he wants… but he has a history of making bad decisions. Especially with men. He doesn’t… look at the same guy twice.”

“You saying he’s sleeping around?”

Wrong thing to say Thor instantly shot him a dark glance and Tony remembered – little brother, right. “Not how I would say it, but… yeah. In a way that I fear will get him into trouble one day.”

Hearing a big brother saying that hit home in a strange way and Tony just nodded and stayed away from asking any further. That would be just asking for trouble.

New York was supposed to be a rather big city, right? Nonetheless you kept running into the same people over and over again. Rhodey and him were out together for the first time in ages and checking out a new bar. The drinks were great, but the service was shit, so Tony had to make his way from their table to the bar to get them a new round. On his way there he made out a familiar face. Stopping in his tracks to make sure Tony definitely saw Loki sitting at a table and it was downright shocking how good looking that guy was. Wearing a dark blue blazer and a white scarf. Just when Tony was about to step forward and say hello he noticed the man next to Loki. How had he missed him before? He was pretty much glued to Loki’s side and eventually sucking face with him.

Not the first time Tony saw somebody making out and he usually enjoyed it watching when said person was attractive. Seeing Thor’s little brother kissing some dude was strange and Tony hurried up to get back to Rhodey.

“Why did that take so long?”

“Sorry, I thought I saw someone…”

Tony wasn’t an idiot, he was well aware that he felt a little bit jealous. Because of a guy he didn’t know but was obviously attracted to. Yes, Tony definitely needed to get laid.

***

Natasha told him at the bar, so it must have been a Friday Night. A casual comment that didn’t actually mean anything. “Guess who I saw today in my Capoeira class.”

“Clint who fought it was Yoga and wanted to stare at women in tiny outfits.”

“No, Thor’s brother. He’s good, really good.”

Tony spent the rest of the night debating with himself if it was stalking if he showed up at Natasha’s gym to meet Loki. It wasn’t. Not if he did it only once and he’d have a real work-out to make himself feel better about it. Perfect.

It was so ridiculously easy that Tony told himself it was destiny. He actually bumped into him, not even on purpose! Loki glared at him and a second later something like recognition flickered across his face.

“Hey, Loki! Long time so see.”

“Right… Toby?”

Ouch, that hurt. “Tony, it’s Tony. You come here often too?”

“Yes, but I’ve never seen you around here.”

“I tend to define ‘often’ differently than the rest of the world. Which means rarely, because seriously, who wants to end up looking like a beefcake. No, I’ll leave that to Steve or Thor.” Tony made a dismissive gesture and a miracle happened. Loki’s lips were forming half a smile and Tony wasn’t going to let that opportunity go to waste. “You’re already on your way out? You want to grab one of these super-energy-shakes? That are only made out of fruit?”

It was only now that Tony felt like Loki was looking at him. For the first time. “Okay… why not?” He didn’t sound exactly excited, but it was a start and Tony wanted to stop time to do a little victory dance.

They went to the bar and Tony’s mind was already going through possible things to talk about. “Hey, you didn’t really answer my question last time. I was curious what you’re doing for a living. Since you’re not into the family business… Rightly so, Wall Street… only exists to screw people over.”

“Wasn’t your last name Stark?”

Damn, that happened fast. “Yeah…”

“Like the biggest weapon’s manufacturer in the world? The last time I checked shares of Stark Industries were all over the stock market.”

“Yeah, but it’s my dad’s company and the weapons are just part of it… okay, a big part of it. I’m an engineer, I’m working on a device that can create unlimited clean energy without exploiting natural resources.”

Loki quirked an eyebrow and Tony wasn’t sure if this was a win or a loss. “So you are saving the environment while working for a company that kills people… sounds about right.”

This was working surprisingly well so far. Tony mentally gave himself a pat on the shoulder. “Now that you know everything about me… what do you?”

“I’m a writer… sort of.”

“Care to specify?”

Tony had no idea how to weigh the expression on Loki’s face, but if he had to, he would go with surprise. Surprised that Tony was interested in his job. “I am a lyricist.”

That… was something that Tony had never heard out, but he could figure it out. “You mean when Beyoncé can’t come up with the necessary rhymes, she calls you?”

“Not quite, but I think you got the concept.”

Okay, Tony recognized family trouble when it was right in front of him. Their business was huge and incredibly successful and since Tony had been born into the exact same situation, he knew a thing or two. Great business men wanted heirs and although their father had already one in Thor, Tony couldn’t imagine that he would let Loki enter a career that had nothing to do with the stock market. Maybe he was totally wrong and their father wasn’t as extreme as Howard, but usually those guys were all the same.

“That’s cool, I’ve probably never heard of anything you wrote… I don’t listen to anything that wasn’t released by ACDC or Black Sabbath. Paranoid plays non-stop in my lab.”

“I prefer classical music with no lyrics at all… but I don’t mind ACDC.”

“Classical? Well… I once got kicked out from a violin concert that my ex dragged me to. That’s about all the experience I have in that department.”

“What were you doing that got you kicked outside?”

“I might have said something like ‘Oh fuck, it’s not over yet?’ after the first song.”

Obviously Tony had passed some kind of test, because Loki actually chuckled. “Sounds like you were merely reviewing the concert… Anyway, I need to get going. I have a meeting in half an hour.”

That conversation hadn’t lasted more than five minutes, but Tony thought that he hadn’t done so bad and there was no way he was going home without a phone number. “Okay, don’t let me keep you. Listen… you want to hang out some time? Yeah, I know you said that Thor’s friends aren’t you typical crowd, but… I’m pretty sure I’m not Thor’s most typical friend.”

 ***

Tony did get Loki’s phone number and it took three weeks until he saw him again. Coffee, half an hour and that was it. A victory, cause it was also the first time Tony heard Loki actually laugh.

Two days later Tony texted him if he wanted to check out a new movie and his mouth dropped open when he received an answer. _Is that supposed to be a date? Cause I don’t do dates_

Well, fuck. Staring at his phone Tony began pondering. Yeah, it had been supposed to be a date and now this. Given all he knew Loki wouldn’t be offended if he just wrote back _Okay, you just wanna fuck then?_

Problem was… Loki was awesome. Absolutely gorgeous, smart and so completely unlike Thor. It was almost impossible to make fun out of him, because that guy was so quick-witted, he always came up with a reply and Tony loved his sarcastic remarks. Tony had a rule and it was quite simple: if you want to sleep with somebody, ask if they’re interested and never call again. If you want to sleep with them and hang out with them… ask them on a date.

Loki didn’t do dates and Tony liked a challenge, that meant he only had to work a bit harder.

_Don’t overestimate your hotness, hot stuff. I just want to see the movie_

So they went and saw the movie which was awful. Which gave them a lot of stuff to talk and complain about.

“I’m telling you. Time travelling doesn’t make any sense in movies. It always falls apart in the end.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“It does. Always.”

“Haven’t you seen Back To The Future? That movie is awesome and makes perfect sense!”

Loki shrugged slightly. “Might be the case, I don’t really remember.”

“Good lord. Let’s get something to drink and then I’ll explain to you why everything about Back To The Future makes sense.”

“Fine, I gotta head to the restroom first. I’ll be back in a minute.”

Tony spent the time Loki was gone with getting them two beers and finding them an empty table. Loki didn’t take long and as soon as he got back Tony handed him the bottle. “So, here are my 10 reasons why Back To The Future is awesome and why you know nothing about movies… something wrong with the beer?”

It was absolutely impossible to miss how sceptically Loki was looking at the bottle in his hand. As if it wanted to bite him. “I didn’t ask you to order me something…”

“Yeah, but I thought I could take care of that while…”

“Thanks, but I don’t want a beer.”

“Okay, I’ll get you something else.”

“No, I’ll do that myself… You keep thinking about your 10 reasons…”

Tony wanted to slap himself for not being more attentive. Loki had been drinking wine at Thor’s party, hadn’t he? Amateur’s mistake. Embarrassing. Fortunately Loki didn’t mention it when he came back with a glass of red wine and Tony got to talk about one of his favourite movies and actually made Loki laugh.

 ***

They knew each other for more than five months before Tony saw Loki’s place. He was supposed to pick Loki up, because the two of them wanted to check out some new bar. Loki wasn’t ready to leave when Tony showed up, so he was asked inside.

“Your place is… nice.”

Loki’s place was overwhelming. A nice apartment in the middle of Manhattan, but that wasn’t what took Tony aback. The walls were covered over and over with little sheets of paper and notes. Words or sentences were scribbled down onto them. There was no place to look at without reading something. Just being here felt like an invasion of privacy. “Uhm… are these all song ideas?”

“No, most of it are thoughts, ideas… word plays… I write everything down that comes to mind.” Loki was slipping through the door, probably into the bedroom to change and Tony was left in the living room to check things out. Apart from the walls, the apartment was very tidy and Tony could tell by the furniture that Loki either didn’t suck at his job or he was still living of daddy’s money.

“I’ll be there in a second!”

“Don’t worry, the bar isn’t going to run away.” Walking over to the book shelf Tony glanced at the titles and he had never heard of half of them. One of them looked like Loki had pulled it out recently, so Tony did the same. Maybe he could say something smart about it later on and score some points. The book felt strangely thick in his hands and Tony noticed that something had been placed inside of it. Opening it Tony blinked, feeling immediately insecure about what he had just found.

There was a good reason why you weren’t supposed to touch anything in an apartment that wasn’t yours. Especially not in the apartment of the guy you wanted to date and who didn’t know that yet. What were the rules when you found some strange white pills hidden in a book?

It probably said a lot more about Tony than about Loki that the first word coming to his mind was LSD. Thanks to some experience and his college years Tony could rule that possibility out a second later. This wasn’t any of his business anyway. Closing the book Tony put it back and decided to keep his fingers to himself… for now.

Didn’t mean that he couldn’t read. It was difficult to figure out where to start. Loki had said the truth, a lot on the walls didn’t make sense. Sometimes there were only words, loosely connected. Or random thoughts.

_Imagine the life of the person sitting next to you on the train…_

_How do they imagine your life?_

Tony had to smile at the next one.

_People tell you to be yourself – what if you are an asshole?_

_Happiness = fulfilling other people’s expectations?_

 

_All over my skin. Taking it all off. Slipping out of it. Like a suit. Getting a new one. Anyone’s…_

_Love can’t complete you. You need to be complete to experience love_

“I’m done. Can we get going?”

Loki was back, looking gorgeous in a long-sleeved green shirt and dark jeans. Tony should totally make a move on him tonight. Things had been going great and Tony had never invested that much time in trying to make somebody fall for him. It has been month and Loki hadn’t really showed a sign of interest, but he had said he didn’t do dates. He needed to be eased into it.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

The bar was cool, the booze delicious and Loki was in a good mood. Perfect combination. Okay, time for the first step. Slowly. “You know, I listened to some of your stuff.”

“Wow, only took you a couple of months. Normally people do that right after meeting me.”

“Please, I’m not that much of a stalker. Anyhow, I liked most of it, but you seriously lack a sense of romance. Most of your stuff is heart-breaking and depressing. You need some happiness in there.”

Loki reacted with a sceptical frown. “Really? Hate to break it to you, but songs about misery and pain make the most money. For some reason people like to cry and I’m very good at making people cry.”

“Money… good point. Still, everybody needs to show some variety. Everybody needs a power ballade! Come on, we’ll write it together and it will be awesome. I know what women like to hear… or guys… Let’s do this!”

It was no surprise that Loki wasn’t too thrilled about his suggestion, he never was. “Okay, it’s your idea. You start. Show me how to write a song. Amaze me.”

Oh, Tony would amaze him. He would blow his socks off… There was just one problem… “Uhm… how do you start when you’re writing a song?”

“That depends… sometimes you start with a title. Sometimes you have a theme. Sometimes you already have some kind of metaphor in mind. Come on, show me your genius.”

Tony would give him hell, there was no way he was going to look stupid in front of Loki. Not stupider than usual. “Right… something powerful, happy, that will make women swoon. A guy needs to sing it standing on a cliff. A title. Catchy. Full of feeling, passion, something really deep… Uhm…”

“I’m waiting.”

“Baby, I love you so much. So happy that you’re here?”

“Wow, you suck at this.” Loki’s face was made of stone, not even the hint of a smile.

“Hey, I’m trying! I never had to write a love letter, girls and guys were falling for me all over the place.”

Why was Loki laughing now? Bad sign. Very bad. “I’m sure you had to hide from all the people who wanted into your pants…”

“Actually, yes. That happened all the time. Still does. That’s why I’m never going out alone. People would be all over me. That’s why you’re here. So people think you’re my date and won’t bother me.” Tony winked at Loki and inwardly cursed this stupid idea. How could this not go completely wrong? Why try to be smooth and suave when you could just be blunt and horribly uncreative? Was it too soon to slam his forehead against the table top?

“Nice to know that you value me as your human shield.” Huh, Loki sounded… amused and he was smiling. Something he didn’t do that often, which was a shame, because Loki was beautiful. “You’re doing a pretty good job by the way. You’re hot enough to scare 90 percent of them off and the remaining 10 percent… they probably think you’re way more interesting than me. It’s a pretty good deal.”

It couldn’t get more obvious, right? Tony could only be more direct if he put up a huge neon sign that said ‘I like you. Want to date me, kiss and eventually have sex?’ Loki was one of the smartest persons he knew, he had to get it. Carefully watching Loki’s face Tony could see the little glint in his eyes. About time that he realised how awesome Tony was and that they should be awesome together. In all the good, bad and sexy ways. Now that was a great title for a song.

“Well, I’m glad to be of service.”

“Cool, you want to be of service next Friday? I’m throwing a party.”

The glint quickly disappeared and now it was definitely time to smash his head against the wall. Party? Okay, yes, that was what he was doing, but it wasn’t the right way to go. You want to spend a weekend alone in my house in the Hamptons – that would have been the right thing to say.

“A party with all of your idiot friends that I don’t care about.” That he didn’t care about? Loki wasn’t very subtle and it was clear as day that he despised them and Tony couldn’t care less about that. He didn’t want Loki to be part of his group of friends, he wanted him to be his boyfriend.

“You wouldn’t be going there for them but for me. Come on, when do I ever disappoint?” Tony put on his most charming grin and he could see how Loki was trying not to smile. “Fine, perhaps I’ll find the time…”

 ***

They knew each other for six months when they ended up fighting for the first time. Loki decided to fuck some random guy at Tony’s party and Tony decided to lose his mind over it.

The evening had already started horrible. Tony had been worried that Loki wouldn’t show up at all and when he did Thor and Steve were pretty much glued to Tony’s side, telling him a story that he definitely wasn’t interested in. He wanted to tell them to fuck off, because nothing worked better to keep Loki away than Thor’s presence.

Over the big guy’s shoulder Tony could see Loki walking through the door and their eyes met for a second. Tony should have just ended this fucking conversation, he didn’t get a single word anyway. When he finally got away Loki had disappeared in the crowd of guests and why had Tony decided to throw a party?

It had to be an hour later when Tony found Loki again. In the kitchen, making out with a guy that Tony had never seen before, his hand inside of that guy’s jeans. In Tony’s kitchen.

Yeah, it would have been Tony’s style to cause a scene, but there was so much booze around that he preferred to get completely shit-faced. The next morning Tony woke up with a jack-hammer inside his head and the worst mood imaginable. After another minute he actually remembered what had happened last night Tony couldn’t care less about his headache, it became secondary. There was no time to shower, not even to take some painkillers, Tony stormed out of his apartment and his anger hadn’t died down the slightest bit when he arrived in front of Loki’s door.

Tony almost broke it down.

“Are you fucking crazy?” Loki had showered, his hair was still wet and he was glaring at Tony. As if he had any right to be angry. Tony was the one who was mad, he was furious.

“Yes! I must be crazy, that’s the only explanation!” Pushing Loki to the side Tony rushed into the apartment. Seeing Loki made it even worse. Tony couldn’t look at him without thinking of him and that guy. Just some dude Loki had never met before, but who he had decided to fuck.

“Tony, what the hell are you…”

“You don’t get to be upset! I invited you, I wanted you to be there! You didn’t even say fucking hello! You just went ahead to screw some asshole! In my kitchen!”

Loki blinked in confusion and Tony was about to lose his mind a second time, because Loki didn’t get it. He had no fucking clue. So smart and so dense at the same time. How was that even possible?

“Really? I saw at least four other people fooling around in your guestroom. Why do you get mad about this? Can’t be the first time somebody sucks a dick in your kitchen.”

This was it. Tony was going to tear this place down. “For someone this smart you are so incredibly dumb! I don’t want to know what you did or what you didn’t do! That was so fucking disrespectful! If you want me to fucking leave me alone, then tell me! Don’t go around and make a fucking fool out of me!”

Clearly annoyed Loki crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Could finally start making sense now? Because you just waltzed into my apartment and started yelling at me which is…”

“I didn’t want to scare you off, so I didn’t say anything! Why should I say anything? It was fucking obvious! We’re going out all the time and I told you that you’re gorgeous and that I wouldn’t mind if people thought you were my boyfriend! Fine, I need to spell it out! I want to date you! I want to be your fucking boyfriend and I want the social security number of the guy whose dick you sucked, so I can ruin his life!”

Tony hated emotional outbursts and this should be embarrassing, but for once in his life he was so angry that he didn’t care. Rage, jealousy and a little bit of desperation. Was there anything that could be less attractive? At least it was out there now and Loki had to react in some kind of way. There was no way out.

Even now Loki’s expression remained stoic, his eyes blank. “I don’t do dates.”

“Oh, give me a break and cut that bullshit! We’re going out all the time, just the two of us! We already are dating.”

“No, we are not.”

“Why not?!” Tony was screaming and that wasn’t anything like him, but he couldn’t help himself. “You know a guy for five minutes and give him a blowjob, but you won’t date me?! Why not?!”

“Because I like you!”

Four words. Loki didn’t need more to wipe all of Tony’s anger away and to replace it with confusion. Nothing about Loki had ever made sense, so Tony shouldn’t be surprised, but it was definitely getting too much. “Do you listen to yourself? You don’t date me because you like me? That’s not how it works.”

Judging by the look on Loki’s face he didn’t care about any of this. “That’s how I work.”

Tony didn’t get more, this was all that Loki was giving him. Fuck this, Tony deserved more. More in every kind of way.

“Whatever… have a nice day. Sorry for bothering you.”

Leaving the apartment Tony didn’t turn around, still hoping that Loki would hold him back. He didn’t.

 ***

Two weeks after the party Tony received a text message from Loki.

_I am sorry. I am really bad at this_

Tony had no idea what ‘this’ was, but Loki was apologizing and there was that glimmer of hope which was enough, because Tony was head over heels for this idiot.

_You are also a coward. Writing a text? Seriously?_

Loki called 10 seconds later. “I can’t… I like you, but I can’t. I don’t do this kind of thing. It would end up in a disaster.”

“Of course you can. Everybody can do that. The question is – do you want to? We can figure everything else out.”

“I don’t…” Loki trailed off and Tony wouldn’t let him off the hook, so he stayed silent, letting Loki figure out what he wanted to say. Or what he wanted at all. “… we could… there is a new Cuban restaurant I wanted to check out. We could go there… together.”

That’s what they did. Tony picked Loki up at his place and the entire kitchen disaster was immediately forgotten and forgiven. Loki was nervous, fidgeting, which was actually cute and Tony thought this was perfect.

The food was amazing and after a bit of hesitation they found their way back to their easy conversations. It was fun, sweet and Tony couldn’t help but smile when Loki squirmed as soon as Tony complimented him.

Everything went great until they arrived back at Loki’s place and there was this awkward moment. They were on a date, Loki couldn’t just say buy and get out of the car like he usually did, they both knew that. Loki looked at him, smiling shyly. “It was a nice evening…”

“Yeah, I thought so too.”

“I’ll be in meetings the entire day tomorrow, but… do you want to come over tomorrow night?”

God yes, that was exactly what Tony wanted. “I’d like that. Just give me call.”

“Sure thing.” Loki nodded, then didn’t move, just kept looking out of the windshield. Well, Tony had never been afraid to make the first move and he had wanted to kiss Loki for months. “Good night, then… you get a fair warning. I’ll kiss you now, because it’s about damn time.”

Loki turned to stare at him and Tony moved in, brushing his lips softly over Loki’s. It was nice, sweet and that little sigh was getting right under his skin. Eventually Loki kissed him back and Tony knew that this was going to work out. How could it not? They were so obviously made for each other. “See you tomorrow then.”

Ten seconds after Loki had left his car Tony grabbed his phone and called Bruce. “The most amazing thing just happened! I was on a date with Loki! I kissed him and he didn’t kill me! It’s amazing and you can’t tell Thor!”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

 ***

The next day Loki was obviously still nervous when he opened the door for Tony. Until yesterday Tony hadn’t even thought that Loki could be nervous. Especially because of him. They were having Chinese take-out, drinking wine on Loki’s couch and Tony couldn’t deny the excitement from just sitting next to him. Thinking about all the things they could do. Would do. Tony watched how Loki’s fingers were expertly holding the chopsticks and a shudder was running down his spine, imaging what they could do to him. Or how badly he wanted to touch that body which was in perfect shape from all those material arts classes.

“You are staring at me.”

“Surprised? You are gorgeous.”

“I am still a little surprised by… all of this.” Loki admitted and Tony moved in closer to him. “Because of me? Or yourself?”

“Both, I guess. I… I don’t want you to get the wrong impression. I’ve never in a relationship with anybody and this is… probably not going to work out.”

“I love your optimism. Could you just shut for a second and enjoy this? It’s me, Tony. You like me, remember. Yeah, not everybody is relationship material, but there’s only one way to find out.”

This time Loki instantly kissed him back and Tony wanted to get lost in this. Preferably eat him up alive. Placing one hand on Loki’s shoulder Tony slowly moved it higher, running his fingers through his hair. Another thing that he had wanted to do for such a long time. Loki reached out for him, pulled him closer and Tony decided that he would never again screw around. Not when he could have this.

Tony’s second hand came to rest on Loki’s hip, he slowly slid it upwards, beneath Loki’s sweater. His skin was a bit cold, smooth, easy to touch and addicting. Until Loki broke the kiss, nipping lightly on Tony’s lower lip. “Just so you know… there will be no fucking tonight.”

Kind of a disappointment, but Tony could deal with that. He had said he wanted dates, a relationship, not a quick fuck. “Okay… doesn’t mean I can’t kiss you.”

 ***

There was a lot of kissing. That night and the next one. A lot of kissing and touching with their clothes on. No, Tony wasn’t frustrated. Not yet anyway.

“So… it’s my birthday next week.”

“I know.” Loki pointed out, completely unimpressed.

“And because it’s my birthday… I want to spend a nice evening. With you and my best friends at my favourite bar. Something small, me, you, Steve, your brother, Natasha-“

“No.”

Hard to believe that a single word could be so startling. “Sorry, what did you just say.”

Loki looked up from his notepad and easily met Tony’s eyes. “I said no.”

Okay, they should have a rational conversation about this, Tony shouldn’t go instantly crazy about this. “What the hell?! I want to celebrate my birthday with you and my friends and you just say no!? What kind of asshole move is that?”

“I’ll gladly celebrate your birthday with you, but I don’t want to do it with Thor…”

“Oh, please, I don’t care about your little family feud. Okay, you don’t like spending time with your brother. It’s just one evening, it’s my birthday. That’s something you can do for me, right?” By the end Tony had put on a smile, because he knew that Loki cared. There was no way he was going to…

Sighing softly Loki turned back to the notepad. “I really want you to have a great birthday… whatever way you want it to, but… not like that. I don’t want to do that.”

“You don’t want to? And what I want doesn’t matter? It’s all about you?!”

“I didn’t say that…”

“No, but that’s what we’re doing! Whatever the hell you want and what I want doesn’t matter in the slightest, because you don’t give a crap! You don’t want to meet my friends, you don’t want to take a step back and do something for me, you don’t want to sleep with me! Fuck, if you don’t want to be with me, just say it and we’ll end this fucking charade.”

Seconds. Mere seconds. Tony had started this conversation, looking forward to celebrate his birthday with his boyfriend and now he questioned this entire relationship. It wasn’t like he couldn’t imagine being with anybody else than Loki, but Loki should actually want to be with him.

It was Loki’s reaction that crushed him. Tony had hoped that he would instantly speak up, reassure Tony that he wanted all of this, that he cared about him… Instead… “I just don’t want to hang out with your friends. We could do something…”

“No, I don’t want to do something else! I want exactly that and I want you there! It’s not much to ask for! If you’re not even willing to do that, I guess you really don’t give a shit about me…”

When Loki didn’t respond Tony stormed off, mostly because he thought this might end in the first time he cried for years and he couldn’t have that.

 ***

Tony didn’t call Loki for a week, hoping that he would come around, but nothing happened. It was the sad proof that Tony had been right, Loki didn’t really care and he had let Tony talk him into the relationship for some reason. This was how he got out of it.

Eventually Tony’s birthday came along and he was sitting at their usual table, surrounded by his friends who were singing ‘Happy Birthday’ for the third time. It should have made Tony smile, but he just wanted Loki to be here.

“Another year older… hard to believe.” Steve took a sip from his beer, smiling at Tony. “What do you say? Was it a good year?”

Yeah, absolutely great. Tony had spent half of it pining for a man who he was now in a relationship with and who didn’t want to sleep with him or celebrate his birthday.

“Fantastic…”

“You don’t look fantastic. You look like you’re one second away from swallowing a suicide pill.” Clint shamelessly pointed that out and immediately got slapped on the back of his head by Natasha. “Charming as usual.”

“What? Am I not allowed to comment on how pissed off Tony looks when everybody feels fucking uncomfortable because of it?”

“If I make you so uncomfortable, you can just leave. It’s my birthday and I’m not going to put on a happy face for you.” Tony snarled and everybody else instantly shared a concerned look. Great, now he was going to get the ‘Tony, we’re worried about you’ speech.

“Is my brother’s absence the reason for your foul mood?”

Wonderful, just great. Yeah, Tony knew that they were aware of his relationship, but now that this relationship was probably already over… how was he supposed to be in a good mood?

“He didn’t want to come. It’s a free country, I can’t force him to.” Tony muttered into his glass, then taking another sip. Oh, he was going to get so wasted.

Thor smiled at him and Tony was going to throw up. It was that pity smile. Like ‘I’m sorry that you didn’t know better’. “Loki is not very good with people. Other people too tried to start something serious with him, but it never worked out. He’s not… He’s never kept a person for longer than a single night.”

Tony wanted to yell at him to shut up, because nobody was allowed to say something bad about Loki. Also their relationship had now lasted over two weeks… but they weren’t sleeping together. “Can we talk about something else?”

“Sure, it’s your birthday, you can decide.”

Despite his best attempts Tony couldn’t get into any kind of conversation, knowing that Loki hadn’t even bothered to call him. It wasn’t fair that…

“Hey, we thought we wouldn’t come.”

Jerking his head up Tony saw a familiar face next to their table. Loki was beautiful and clearly not feeling comfortable. “Yeah, I didn’t think so either…” His eyes wandered to Tony and his chest instantly tightened. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry. Happy birthday.”

That was something a couple should probably talk about, because Tony had questioned their entire relationship. Loki’s rejection had hurt him in a way that Tony hadn’t known before. Now that didn’t matter, Loki was here and that meant he cared. Getting up from his seat Tony grabbed Loki’s hand and kissed him. “It’s great that you’re here.”

They sat back down and Tony wouldn’t let go of Loki’s hand, maybe he was a little bit afraid that Loki would get up and run away. Judging by the look on Loki’s face he might just do that any second.

So Tony was even happier when that didn’t happen. Leaning in Tony put his lips to Loki’s ear. “I’m so glad that you’re here.”

Loki turned to look at him, the tiniest hint of a smile on his face. “I figured…” The second Loki turned back to the others his face became hard and stoic again. No, he obviously didn’t feel at ease and he was here anyway, for Tony.

For that reason Tony didn’t mind leaving a bit sooner than expected. They arrived at Loki’s place and Tony wrapped his arms around Loki’s face, pulling him close. “That wasn’t so bad, right?”

The words made Loki wince and Tony kissed his cheek. “Thanks for doing this for me…”

“I knew it was important to you…”

A ridiculously warm feeling spread inside of Tony’s chest and he ran his hand up and down Loki’s back. The body in his arms felt perfect and Tony wanted to touch him, every part of him, with his fingers, his lips…

Tony nuzzled his face against Loki’s neck, breathed in his scent before he was starting to trial small kisses along his throat while his hands were sliding beneath the fabric of his shirt. Loki just tasted wonderful and Tony wanted all of him.

But that wasn’t going to happen, Loki’s hands were suddenly on Tony’s pulling them away. “Wait… Tony, I’m really tired… I’m sorry, I just want to go to bed.”

For a second Tony wanted to start another fight. Tell him that it was his birthday, that he was in love with him and for God’s sake Tony wanted him. Then again Tony didn’t want to be that guy who started a fight because he didn’t get enough sex. “Okay… let’s go to sleep then.”

There was such an obvious relief on Loki’s face that made Tony feel weird. He forgot about it when Loki kissed him. All together Tony’s birthday wasn’t all that bad. The lack of sex was something he could deal with. For now he would just act like he hadn’t seen Loki slipping two white pills into his mouth before crawling into bed.

 ***

It took another month until Tony snapped.

Loki and him had a perfectly normal relationship. Having breakfast together, discussing work and their interests, spending time together whenever they could and Tony enjoyed every second of it.

A month in which Tony got to spend time with a man who was smart, funny, delightfully sarcastic and who obviously cared for him. When Tony had important meetings Loki immediately texted him afterwards to ask how it went down. Sometimes Tony woke up and caught Loki watching him. He would blush and Tony felt happy for getting to see this.

Everything would be perfect, but Loki didn’t let Tony touch him.

Over a month into this relationship they hadn’t done anything else than kissing and Tony hadn’t seen his own boyfriend naked. Tony still didn’t want to be that guy who was dying to get laid, but they were a couple! Sex was a big part of any relationship and Loki wouldn’t let him touch him, although Tony knew that Loki enjoyed having sex. He had seen him screwing around which strangers. Taking things slow was okay, but they were adults, almost two months together and Tony wanted to sleep with him.

It was a Saturday night, Loki was half sitting, half lying on the couch, his hair pulled back in a ponytail except for a black strand falling into his forehead. The green shirt showed off his slim waist and he looked so casual, yet stunning. This was his boyfriend who was beautiful and lovely and Tony wanted him.

The decision was made in less than a second. Tony stalked over to the couch, took the notepad from Loki’s hands and straddled his hips. “What are you doi…”

Tony smothered the words coming out of Loki’s mouth, kissing him deeply. Loki was tensing beneath him, so Tony gently cupped his cheeks, letting the kiss turn sweet, but it was still passionate enough to make his intentions clear. The feeling of Loki returning the kiss was almost overwhelming, because Tony was finally going to have him. Letting his hands slide down to Loki’s sweater Tony pushed it upwards, eager to get it off him. To touch and lick at his skin.

Then Loki broke the kiss and his hands were pressed against Tony’s chest. “Don’t.”

It was too much. All that pent-up passion, the desire to finally be with him and Loki just said no. By now Tony had only one reaction he could offer Loki. Tony instantly got off Loki and his frustration just streamed out of him. “What?! What is wrong with me that you won’t sleep with me?!”

Loki blinked at him. “I don’t…”

“Exactly! You don’t! It’s been almost two months and you won’t let me touch you! What is your problem?! You’re not a fucking virgin!”

Against his expectations Loki wouldn’t yell back at him. No, he lowered his eyes, somewhat ashamed. “I just don’t want to right now…”

“You never want to! Am I turning you off?! Or are you just trying to find out how long you can let me wait? You fuck guys that you just met at a party, but you won’t touch me?! Jesus, you won’t even let me get a hand beneath your t-shirt. You’re my boyfriend, I want to sleep with you!”

Loki stared at him, his eyes were glimmering strangely and if the circumstances had been different Tony would have hugged him. “I can’t.”

“What do you mean ‘you can’t?’? I saw you doing it! In my kitchen! So what is the problem?!”

Except for lowering his eyes Loki didn’t move. “You should probably go.”

“That’s it? I don’t even get a fucking reason why you won’t sleep with me, but you have no problem fucking random guys?”

“Please, just leave.”

Loki wasn’t even looking at him anymore and Tony did what he wanted him to do. He left.

 ***

It wasn’t quite clear, but Tony felt like he was single again. He wanted out to get laid, mostly to get back at Loki, but just looking at another person made him understand that he wasn’t interested in them. For a second he thought about talking to Thor about Loki, but until now he hadn’t been much help when it came down to understand what was going on in Loki’s head.

Lying on his bed Tony was staring at the ceiling, wondering if Loki was just making a fool out of him, because he thought he was funny. To lead him on and make Tony believe that it could be something serious…

His phone started vibrating and Tony instantly hoped that it was Loki.

_I didn’t want you to leave_

Then why did he tell him to leave? Tony’s thumb was hovering over the buttons, but he couldn’t bring himself to write something.

_You’re the best thing since ages and that scares me_

Frowning softly Tony bit his lip. Why now? And why would he scare Loki?

_I’m scared of you_

Loki’s reaction had hurt him and it had humiliated him. This was something else entirely. A punch in the stomach that wouldn’t let him breathe. Was this joke? Some cruel jest? Tony wanted that idiot to love him, not to be scared of him.

The drive to Loki’s place took about 20 minutes, not a car was on the road at 4 o’clock in the morning. Once again Tony threatened to knock Loki’s door down. His hand froze in mid-motion when the door was being opened.

The man in front of him couldn’t be the same person he had left a few hours before. Loki’s eyes were wide, bloodshot and unable to focus on Tony’s face. His skin had taken on a sickly paleness. Slow movements, his expression completely empty. “Tony…”

“Fuck, you’re totally high… What did you take?”

Loki tried to take a step forward, but he threatened to fall over, so Tony instantly grabbed him. “Take it slow. It’s okay. It’s those pills, right?”

“Needed to… clear my head…”

“Right… come on.” Tony made him sit down on the couch and he didn’t even have to search. Some of the pills were lying on the table and Tony grimaced at their sight. He should have said something the first time he had seen them. “Loki, you have to tell me what you took. What is this shit?”

“Helps me sleep… think…”

“Okay, fuck this. I have no idea what you took, but I got high myself enough times to know that you’re not okay. We need to get that shit out…”

Dragging Loki to the bathroom and helping him to make him throw up was definitely an experience that Tony would have liked to never make. Eventually he got Loki to drink two glasses of water and put him to bed.

“Please, don’t…” It was a raw whimper, so pained that Tony could hardly stand it. “It’s okay. Just sleep… we’ll talk when you wake up.”

Loki pretty much passed out on him and Tony kept sitting next to the bed, watching him. He didn’t get it. Yes, their fight had been ugly, but Tony hadn’t expected Loki to be… this upset. It had been him who had kept rejecting Tony…

Because he was scared of him?

That thought was almost unbearable. They would figure this out, Tony would remain calm and this time he wouldn’t storm off, but find out what was bothering Loki so much. Had Tony ever given him a reason to be scared?

Tony kept going through every moment of their relationship until Loki’s green eyes were on him. “Hey, you alright?”

Before answering Loki looked down at himself, then at Tony and the expression in them made Tony gasp. Loki was so strong, smart and stoic. Now he looked absolutely helpless and Tony couldn’t quite take it. “What happened last night?”

“I took too many pills.”

“What is that shit anyway? Why do you have them?”

“They help me sleep… they blur the images…”

“Loki…” Tony reached for his hand, relieved when his boyfriend didn’t wince. “What is going on? Why are you… scared of me?”

When Loki looked away Tony thought that he might not get an answer. “Because I trust you… which means you can hurt me.”

“That doesn’t… that doesn’t make any sense. I would never…”

“Don’t say that. You never know who might hurt you until they do…” The darkness in Loki’s voice was impossible to miss and a horrible thought sneaked up on Tony. “Did… did somebody hurt you?”

The way how Loki wrapped his arms around himself was answer enough and Tony entered a state of shock. This wasn’t something he had ever had to deal with. Something that nobody should have to deal with. Such things existed and that was horrible enough, but to know that it had happened to Loki… Fear, anger and anguish took a hold of Tony and he didn’t know what to do with it.

“You can tell me… I won’t act like a jerk again, I just want to… understand you. So we can figure this out.”

“Figure it out…” Loki huffed and it was good to see that some traits of his personalities were still there. “There is nothing to figure out.”

Truth to be told, Tony didn’t want to know. He wanted to pretend that everything was fine and that nothing bad had ever happened to Loki. Unfortunately that wasn’t going to work out. “Okay, but I don’t want something like last night to happen ever again. I want to… understand, so I can help you. If there is something I can do… please. Why are you scared of… being close to me?”

“I can’t tell you. You wouldn’t believe me.”

“Why not? You’ve never lied to me. Please… I am so scared of doing something wrong and… not telling anyone clearly doesn’t work out for you either. I’m already imagining things and… did someone… assault you?”

Loki clawed his fingers into the fabric of his own shirt. “Thor.”

“What?”

“Thor, he…” Loki took a breath and Tony’s mind was racing. No, it wasn’t like that, Loki would clarify it any second and then Tony would understand. “Our father always preferred him. I didn’t get why… I always tried to live up to his expectations, but I couldn’t… I was 17 when they told me that I was adopted. I didn’t take it well… but it was an explanation why our father never… really cared for me.”

“I’m sorry, Loki…”

“Don’t… if I have to stop… I won’t be able to finish.”

Therefore Tony just nodded and waited for Loki to continue. He did so while staring at the wall. “I went through a… rough phase. There was one party after another one and I… tried some stuff. I don’t know what I took that night. I didn’t ask, I just swallowed the pills. Our parents were out, dozens of people were at our house and I was… so high. Completely out of it. I only remember talking with a friend and then everything’s dark. I woke up… because I was in pain. I can’t… even now everything is still blurry. I wasn’t really awake, still high, somewhere between being asleep and awake… I was lying on a bed… on my stomach and I could feel somebody on top of me… holding my… hips and there was pain. I didn’t really know what was happening to me… Perhaps I should be grateful that the drugs were still having an effect, so it didn’t hurt as badly… somebody was fucking me… I was a virgin…”

Tony’s hand was balled into a fist, shaking. He wanted Loki to stop. Forget about all of this. Act like his boyfriend hadn’t been raped…

“I wasn’t conscious the entire time… I drifted in and out of it… then they were suddenly gone. For a second. He grabbed me, turned me onto my back. I think he was doing it gently, but my head was spinning anyway. His hands were on my thighs… he spread them apart and I couldn’t do anything, I didn’t even try… I felt my body and at the same time… I didn’t… I knew what was happening when he… pushed back into me, because it hurt… worse than before. He was on top of me, staring at me… panting in my ear…” Loki closed his eyes and Tony could tell from his twisted features that he was trying not to cry. “…you feel so good, little brother. Been waiting so long for you…”

No. No way. They had been sitting at the same table every Friday. Working out together, having fun, he had been there to help Tony with his break-up.

“He said… other things that I can’t remember. I think he kissed me, I’m not sure. I lost consciousness again. Thor was gone when I woke up. Our parents came home, we have breakfast and he pretended like it never happened. Still does, hasn’t said a word… neither have I… who’d believe it? You don’t even believe it…”

Shaking his head Tony tried to remember words. He needed to say something, but Loki was right. He couldn’t quite believe it. “I… I’m so sorry, but are you sure that it was him? You were drugged and you say you don’t remember everything… maybe.”

A tear was running down Loki’s cheek and his eyes were cold when they met Tony’s. “He was looking right into my face while he was… fucking me. I recognized his face. He called me his little brother while he was… And no, I didn’t dream any of this. I didn’t dream waking up naked in my own bed with… come leaking out of me because he didn’t use a condom. I didn’t dream secretly washing the blood stains out of my sheets. I didn’t imagine being in pain for a week. I didn’t imagine going to the doctor to get tested… so don’t fucking ask me if I’m sure what happened…” The last words turned into a barely comprehensible sob.

Tony didn’t think, he reacted. Immense relief washed over him when Loki buried his face in his chest when Tony tightly wrapped his arms around him. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m sorry I yelled at you for… Fuck, I…” Tony remembered his birthday and Loki’s refusal to celebrate with his friends. Rage and desperate were fighting inside of him. “I just want to…smash his skull for… how can you even stand being in the same room with him?”

“I don’t… I don’t go near him.”

“But you… I met you at his party…”

“A mutual friend… he doesn’t know, nobody knows… he talked me into it and I wanted to… prove myself that I can do it. Why am I running away when he is the one… there would be other people… it’d be safe, but when we got there… Thor came to talk to me and I can’t… it’s been 10 years. I don’t go to family reunions, I don’t talk to him and… I look at him and… he’s my brother. My father didn’t teach me how to ride a bike, Thor did. We played together, when I was seven I drew him a picture as a birthday present and he pinned it to the wall. We talked about girls when I became a teenager. When he broke one of the windows I took the blame and he did the same when I stole some of our father’s money to buy that record I wanted… he’s my brother. How could he…”

Tony didn’t know. It was beyond him how anyone could force himself onto someone else. Desiring someone you were related with was just sick. To Loki it obviously didn’t matter that they didn’t share the same blood. They had been raised together. Seventeen years of growing up together. They were brothers which made the rape even more disturbing. Every fibre of Tony’s body was filled with disgust. How did Loki have to feel about this?

There was nothing he could say, but staying silent felt so wrong, so Tony simply whispered over and over “I’m sorry”.

About the fourth time Loki pushed him away and more or less stumbled out of his bed. Tony instantly followed him and it was the second time that he held Loki’s hair while he was throwing up. This time it had nothing to do with drugs or alcohol. The smell of bile and vomit couldn’t do anything to him, Tony felt like numb. When Loki was gone he gathered him in his arms and gently stroked his hair. “You said… you never told this anyone?”

“No… and I shouldn’t have told you.” The weak words were muttered against Tony’s shirt.

“I think it’s about time you told someone. I’m so sorry… I shouldn’t have yelled at you and… I’m sorry I made you go to the bar at my birthday. I shouldn’t have… Fuck, this is… I have no fucking idea how to deal with this.”

“Welcome to the club…”

That little phrase sparked a glimmer of hope inside of Tony. As long as Loki was still capable of giving sarcastic remarks… “Okay, I don’t know how we’re going on from here, but… I promise I’ll never make go anywhere near Thor again. I’m so sorry about that.”

Looking up Loki gave him a confused, painful glance. “We’re not breaking up?”

“What? No, you idiot.”

“Why not? It’d be reasonable. How would you be able to… stand this? I’m not able to.”

“No idea, but I still want to be with you, okay? Let’s make this clear from the beginning. I like you because you’re awesome. The fact that some… really fucked up shit happened to you doesn’t change that.”

Loki was staring speechlessly at him and Tony responded with a slight smile and a kiss to his cheek. “Come on, let’s get you back into bed. I’ll bring you something to drink and you should probably eat something.”

Not saying anything Loki nodded and did as Tony asked. 20 minutes later he was sipping on a cup of tea, buried beneath his blanket. Tony was sitting next to him, trying not to stare. Still incredibly beautiful. Loki was right though. A part of Tony didn’t believe him. He had met Thor long before he had even known that Loki existed. A good friend, nice guy who was always willing to help you out. A ladies man.

Thor should have raped his 17 year old brother?

Anybody saying this would be called a liar, but he had heard Loki’s voice, seen the physical reaction to the memory. No, this had happened…

Thor, Tony’s friend who had told him that Loki was sleeping around… with his friends…

“Loki… are you… really scared of me?”

Tony’s voice was shaking and he realised that he was afraid of the answer. Afraid that Loki had been damaged so much that he would never trust anyone ever again. Afraid that he thought Tony capable of doing a similar thing…

“I am scared of…” Loki wasn’t looking at him but at the cup in his hands. “I like you, I care… about you. People I don’t give a shit about have never hurt me… they can’t. I can stand a person touching me when it doesn’t mean anything, but you… I get…”

Triggered. It was as simple as that. Of course. Tony was Thor’s friend, Tony wasn’t going to leave tomorrow, Tony was someone who wanted Loki’s trust.

Sleeping with strangers made a lot more sense now…

“After… it happened… I slept with a friend of mine… I didn’t want him to be the only one who touched me. I wanted to… feel like I could get rid of it… Forget it if I could remember sex with someone else… Sadly it doesn’t quite work like that. I still know that my brother…” That phrase was never finished and it wasn’t necessary.

Shifting closer Tony cleared his throat. “Can I…”

“You’ve hugged me before, Tony.”

Right. Slowly Tony closed his arms around Loki, carefully, as if he might break. “Listen… I seriously don’t know if there is anything I can do to help you. To make you feel safe or comfortable, but… there’s one thing. I know you can’t run away from this. I could, but I won’t. I’ll say that again, because I want you to perfectly understand this. I am not running away from this.”

Loki’s eyes met his and then Loki simply let his forehead rest against Tony’s shoulders, breathing softly. At least in this moment Tony could be sure that Loki wasn’t afraid of him.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm thinking about writing another one-shot about the events from Thor's POV. Let me know if you are interested :)


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